We seem to have an epidemic growing in our society. This vicious disease seems to be consequence of parents either lacking in their abilities or simply abandoning their responsibilities to their children. Either way, it seems children of today, are receiving an unacceptable disservice from their parents.

Looking back to past generations, it was completely acceptable to tell children “no” and stick with that answer. These days, children seem to have little or no inkling as to what those two letters mean. It seems as if many parents have gone to the opposite end of the spectrum on raising their children. Therefore, children seem to grow up thinking the world owes them. This could be because many of today’s parents were not satisfied with the parenting skills their parents used. We all live what we learn and this learning comes from our original family (the family in which we grew up).

There are three types of families described in the book, Your Family/Yourself which is written by Dr. William Blevins. First, there is the autocratic family. This is the family where there is no flexibility. The structure is very authoritarian. It is most definitely a “do as I say, and do not ask questions” environment. Eventually, the children will rebel because they have no say in anything. The second type of family is the permissive family. In this atmosphere, the rules are so flexible they really do not exist. The children usually come and go as they please and often tell the parents what they will and will not do. There are no boundaries. Again, this creates rebellion due to children desperately needing guidance. They need rules and they need accountability for the choices they make. The third type of family is the democratic family. This atmosphere should be the most desired for everyone in the family. Parents are the leaders and they make the rules. The children have responsibilities, freedom, and equality. The rules are flexible under certain circumstances.

When making rules, parents should ask themselves these questions.

What does the rule produce? Are family relationships strengthened or are they hindered?

Do the rules fit the family situation? Are they age appropriate? Is it acceptable for an eight-year-old to watch television until 11:00 p.m. Should a fifteen-year-old be eligible to stay out until 2:00 a.m.? Do the rules foster developmental goals? Do the rules help children to master each developmental stage in life? Children should be learning as they grow how to be productive and function effectively in society.

It is the task of parents to teach the their children that life is not always fair. Furthermore, sometimes we do have to do things we neither like nor want to do, such as clean our room, do the dishes, or take out the trash. There is one important point to remember when raising children, and that is if we go the complete opposite of how we were raised, the cycle will skip a generation and will repeat itself. There must be a healthy balance of taking some of what we liked and applying it and changing what we did not like to help children become their best.

Credit is due to Dr. William Blevins, Professor of Counseling and Director of the Master’s Program in Counseling Carson-Newman College, Jefferson City, TN.